Sunday, November 18, 2012

The Bright Side.....

Today at church I gained a little perspective.  Everyone has been doing the "thankfulness posts" (me included), and I'm not going to lie, sometimes, I sit and really have to thank at the end of the day about what I'm thankful for.  Anyway, today at church, one of the men was talking about Thanksgiving and how we should have "an attitude of gratitude."  This really struck me.  Because honestly, I have spent the last 18 months constantly focusing on what is going wrong in my life, and how bad it all is.  When I actually stop to think about it, no wonder I've been so miserable.  I've never been one to thrive around negativity(really, do any of us?) and I have been breeding in myself for over a year.  Why is it so easy to see the negative instead of the positive?  I know for me, if I am continually around negative, grumpy people, it becomes contagious....meaning I GET GRUMPY TOO!  Negative Nancy!

So, today, I'm choosing to actively change my attitude.  Not just for this season that we are "supposed to be thankful," but back to what I like to think of as "normal Cristina." Happy, positive, cheery, look on the bright side, glass half full kind of girl.  I have a good friend who has been coaching me to "take captive your thoughts."  At first, it annoyed me, like I was just going to be able to stop thinking things that made me sad or angry, but in reality, she was telling me that I own my thoughts.  Yes, sad & infuriating thoughts will cross my mind, but how I choose to handle them is up to me.  I know this will not be easy, but I also know that I like myself a whole lot more when I am "normal Cristina" (see description above).  I have said for years, "I don't like me when I'm grumpy, I'm sure no one else does either!"  So here we go, a few days before the big "Thankfulness day", join me in seeing the bright side, and not the negative first. And, maybe, just MAYBE,  if I start focusing on the brighter side of things, that the darkness won't be so noticeable! :-)

Monday, November 5, 2012

Day 5: My church family

Today I'm thankful for my church family.  This church is so loving & kind.  I've always known that, but since moving back here about 9 months ago, it has been shown to me time & time again.  The love they have for me & my boys is outstanding.  At times, I second guess my choice to move back to Norton.  This town if filled with many memories & happy times, which seem to make my current situation more painful. As I sit & question if this is the right place for me & the boys, I receive constant affirmation from my church family.  Encouraging notes in the mail, a phone call, a hug, a kind word, generous support & help with my house, vehicle stuff etc.  I am so humbled by the outpouring of love they continue to show me.  I know that I am here for a reason, and that one of the reasons I came back to Norton, is that this is my home. My church family proves that to me. This is where we belong.

Sunday, November 4, 2012

Day 4: Zeke...

Today I'm thankful for my baby(not so baby anymore) Ezekiel(Zeke).  He is such a light to my life.  I absolutely adore him.  I don't know what my little family would be like without him.  His cheeks are so perfectly kissable, his giggle is infectious, and he is great at snuggling.  I love seeing his little personality develop right before my eyes.  His brothers adore him too...they miss him when they are at school & love to play with him when we get home. I often think about the meaning of his name, Ezekiel - "the Lord provides strength"  SO POWERFUL!  For me, every time I say his name I am reminded of that meaning. It is such a humbling thought, that HE (the Lord) is in control and providing & sustaining me & giving me strength.  On the other hand, I am so encouraged to pray the meaning of his name as a prayer over him for the future.  I pray that Zeke will always stay in the presence of Christ & allow that Lord to be his strength.  I am so blessed to be the mommy of these 3 amazing little men.  I am so thankful that God saw fit to entrust them to me....may I be ever faithful & do my best to raise them according to His Word!

Saturday, November 3, 2012

Day 3...Justice

Thankfulness...Day 3

Today I am thankful for Justice, my middle boy!  He is so full of JOY! On the worst day, he can put a smile on my face that won't go away! He is so full of life & energy.  I am so thankful that he is still here today!  To be honest, the worst day of my life was the day he was flown to Kearney in the helicopter when he was 11 months old.

Read the story here:

He is the sweetest ornery boy I have ever know & I'm so happy he is mine!  He loves so completely & he makes my heart smile!  Jesus had a lot of fun creating him!! He is Mr. Personality!  I can't wait to see how God will use him as he grows!

Day 2...Lincoln (catching up)

Thankfulness Day 2

Today, I am thankful for my oldest son Lincoln, the boy who gave me the name Momma!  I love his tender heart (a little too much like me at times), I love his he grows I pray this will develop into perseverance.  He is so loving & kind, he is an amazing big brother.  His big blue eyes have melted my heart since the first time I caught their gaze.  He snuggles, hugs & kisses me all the time.  When we drive down the road, he sits up from & holds my hand the whole time.  I am looking forward to the man that He grows to be in Christ.  Thank you Jesus, for my Lincoln =)

Day 1...(catching up)

Thankfulness (Day 1)

I am MOST thankful for Jesus.  My relationship with Him is the most important thing in my life & I am so thankful that no matter what, I will always have Him.  I truly am His forever =)

Thursday, October 18, 2012

On a lighter note....

Here are a few things that I really dislike about being a single woman...

1- Filling up my own gas tank...ugh, I hate getting gas on my own...I always spill & get it on my hands.

2- Vehicle maintenance in far as a single woman, I have dealt with..
     * hitting a deer
     * buying a newer vehicle
     * a couple of flat tires
     * purchasing new tires
3- House stuff
     * repairs
     * dealing with hiring people to fix things and then having to call & try to be grumpy  assertive when the job isn't finished.

4- Life insurance stuff...ICK

Not too much's all just little stuff.  I guess maybe I took for granted having someone to help with all that stuff.

Tuesday, October 9, 2012

Total honesty....

So...I haven't written for quite awhile, truth is, I've been avoiding writing about my situation.  I guess I kinda thought that if I ignored it, or pretended that it didn't happen, that no one would know.  Truth is, many people don't know what has happened in my life over the last year and a half.  I don't know that I'm ready to share, but truth is, most of my readers already know.  I think I was also trying to protect Mike & Rachelle, I didn't want them to look bad, but why would I want to protect their image?  But, I think that writing my story is good therapy for me.

Tonight, I wonder if anyone actually realizes how excruciating this experience has been.  I know others have been in similar situations.  The betrayal, the lies, the deception, but I don't know anyone who has walked a path parallel to mine.  In June 2011, when the truth of Mike's affair came out, I remember a friend asking me if I knew anyone who had been through this and survived, not only survived, but thrived.  I couldn't think of anyone...and even now...the people I know who have been through this, chose to make their marriage work. She forgave, he stayed.  Unfortunately, Mike chose to leave.  He chose to abandon his vows, as if the affair wasn't enough, he chose to quit.  He chose to walk away from the commitment we had made 12 years previous.  I have tried to wrestle all of this through my brain, the whys, what ifs, if only, etc.  Nothing makes sense. It hurts more than anything possibly imagined.  I don't want to accept that he is not the man I used to know.  I don't know what the time frame should be, I feel like everyone thinks I should just get over it & move on.  It is as if the whole world is still moving around me & I am standing still. I don't know how let go and give up.

As I sit here in the dark & see my 3 sweet sleeping boys, I don't know how I feel alone.  I try to cling to Scripture and rest in the fact that Christ will never leave me or forsake me, I am never alone.  I know I have a hope and a future, I just struggle to remember that.  Honestly, 2 days ago I prayerfully admitted the other day that I have a hard time trusting Him now.  The man that I believed God gave me, to love me, protect me, honor me, & cherish me forever, failed & broke my trust.  I am struggling to trust God, it is hard to not feel like God let me down.  I know who I am inside & I know all credit goes to Christ, but I still struggle trusting.  I know He didn't do this, that He would never cause me harm, but I guess my struggle with trust is wondering why He didn't protect me from this? Why does He think I am strong enough to handle all of this? Doesn't he know that I'd rather be home with my boys, than to be working everyday & missing out on so much? In a blink, Zeke is now one and I don't even know where the time went.  The last year is a blur...and I feel so guilty.

As I read through this writing, I'm not sure it all makes sense, or if I should even post it.  But, I am going to, I am going to let myself be vulnerable, & hope somehow it is part of the road to healing.

Monday, July 23, 2012


I have had a passion for investing in teen girls lives for about 15 years.  Unfortunately, most girls don't ask for/think they need a mentor until they have a sin induced life crisis.  Most girls don't come running for help until they have made life altering sin choices that have their life in shambles. The weird thing for me is that I don't always connect with them because I was too afraid of getting in trouble when I was a teenager, so I don't have much "experience" with teenage struggles.  I will never give up on these girls, I will always invest in them & offer any advice and guidance that I can.

When I was in high school, I always remember having "testimony envy."  I would hear speakers at various events and always think that since I had never made any "huge" mistakes, that Christ's redeeming story in my life wasn't as good.  Now, as an adult, who made it through those years virtually unscathed, I have a different perspective.  I feel like more stories of people who don't have what would be considered "huge" sin issues in their life.

1)Sin is sin....our world tries to put it on a scale.  Certain things worse than others etc...truth is "all have sinned & fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23.  But certain sins/mistakes rank higher on the "scale" because they are more visible and have greater consequences.  Therefore, it's better to avoid as many of those as possible.

2) I want girls to know that it is possible to make it through high school & college & life in general without making those "life altering sin choices"  I think too many girls get caught in a trap of thinking that they have lots of years to make mistakes & so many of the influential women in their lives have made "HUGE" mistakes(sin choices) and they have turned out ok.

Anyway, my brain & heart are stirring & dreaming of a ministry geared to empower girls to be confident & make wise choices.  Join me in prayer & thinking about how to mentor and reach these girls who have yet to make those "life alter sin choices" and to help them avoid the years of guilt that follow from moments of pleasure in high school or college.

Tuesday, June 26, 2012

Ok...I'm starting to feel ready to blog brain is working over time lately...lots of thoughts in here!  When I get them gathered into something readable & sensible I will be sharing...hope you are all ready! :)