So...I haven't written for quite awhile, truth is, I've been avoiding writing about my situation. I guess I kinda thought that if I ignored it, or pretended that it didn't happen, that no one would know. Truth is, many people don't know what has happened in my life over the last year and a half. I don't know that I'm ready to share, but truth is, most of my readers already know. I think I was also trying to protect Mike & Rachelle, I didn't want them to look bad, but why would I want to protect their image? But, I think that writing my story is good therapy for me.
Tonight, I wonder if anyone actually realizes how excruciating this experience has been. I know others have been in similar situations. The betrayal, the lies, the deception, but I don't know anyone who has walked a path parallel to mine. In June 2011, when the truth of Mike's affair came out, I remember a friend asking me if I knew anyone who had been through this and survived, not only survived, but thrived. I couldn't think of anyone...and even now...the people I know who have been through this, chose to make their marriage work. She forgave, he stayed. Unfortunately, Mike chose to leave. He chose to abandon his vows, as if the affair wasn't enough, he chose to quit. He chose to walk away from the commitment we had made 12 years previous. I have tried to wrestle all of this through my brain, the whys, what ifs, if only, etc. Nothing makes sense. It hurts more than anything possibly imagined. I don't want to accept that he is not the man I used to know. I don't know what the time frame should be, I feel like everyone thinks I should just get over it & move on. It is as if the whole world is still moving around me & I am standing still. I don't know how let go and give up.
As I sit here in the dark & see my 3 sweet sleeping boys, I don't know how I feel alone. I try to cling to Scripture and rest in the fact that Christ will never leave me or forsake me, I am never alone. I know I have a hope and a future, I just struggle to remember that. Honestly, 2 days ago I prayerfully admitted the other day that I have a hard time trusting Him now. The man that I believed God gave me, to love me, protect me, honor me, & cherish me forever, failed & broke my trust. I am struggling to trust God, it is hard to not feel like God let me down. I know who I am inside & I know all credit goes to Christ, but I still struggle trusting. I know He didn't do this, that He would never cause me harm, but I guess my struggle with trust is wondering why He didn't protect me from this? Why does He think I am strong enough to handle all of this? Doesn't he know that I'd rather be home with my boys, than to be working everyday & missing out on so much? In a blink, Zeke is now one and I don't even know where the time went. The last year is a blur...and I feel so guilty.
As I read through this writing, I'm not sure it all makes sense, or if I should even post it. But, I am going to, I am going to let myself be vulnerable, & hope somehow it is part of the road to healing.
It is not that we are strong enough to handle what we are going to go through. It is that He will equip us to handle the journey that we will face. With Him, we can get through anything. God has a plan, and even when we cannot possibly see the outcome, it doesn't mean it isn't there. Don't lose faith. God has something great for you!
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing your silent cries. Your honesty will benefit others!
I shared this with a group of military wives a few weeks ago. It seems appropriate now.
"Man... Don't make him your coffee pot. Let him be the cream in your coffee. No one person can be everything we need. It is not fair to place that expectation on anyone. God is the only one who is constant, always available, always ready to help. He is the only Husband who is always there and completely able. he is the one Father who is always home and completely interested. He is the one Friend who never deploys, disengages, or files for divorce. LET GOD BE YOUR EVERYTHING... your strength for meeting the demands and finishing the hard work, your rest, your breath of fresh air, your quiet hiding place. That is the only way we can "not become weary in doing good."
I lived through this with my first husband. Took him back multiple times but it didn't change. He needed the excitement of something new in his life. By the time I met George, I hated that I was born a woman. George brought me back from a living hell. I didn't want a failed marriage and fought hard to keep it. I remember crying to my Dad about not wanting to fail, he gave me the courage to thinks about my kids and live my life without the man I trusted. It was very hard to gain trust again but I did and all I can say is thank God for my Dad and George. Sometimes you may think of ways to get even but that never happens and only come back at you. Forget about trying to put toothpaste back in the tube, it doesn't work. I wanted a marriage like my parents and found a better one. My ex once yelled that if I wanted someone as perfect as my Dad, why don't you marry him? That is when I made a list of all the things I liked about my Dad and all that I hated about my ex. When I dated again, and u will, I never dated anyone with the same things as my ex. I swear that is why I did well. Love to you and your beautiful boys. Will post on Facebook too.
ReplyDeleteThank you for your vulnerability and honesty. I really believe that sharing your story will help you heal, in time. Praying for your heart today, and that the peace of God will overwhelm you and comfort you.
ReplyDeleteLove you, friend.
Cristina ~
ReplyDeleteThank you for sharing - I think it's good to get it out there. You don't have anything to be ashamed of!!!! And all of us who love you and want to be here for you won't have the opportunity to let God work through us to be a blessing to you unless you open yourself up to that. You don't have to go through this alone - you are a member of the best support group ever conceived: the church - God made us for such a time as this and there are many people just waiting to be his hands and feet and arms and shoulders or whatever you need!
I am so sorry that you are having to go through this!
Love ~
Sarah
Everything you wrote DOES make sense to someone who has been there. I remember searching desperately to find some kind of timeline for the "average" time for the pain and misery. Unfortunately i have found there isnt one, so ignore anyone who tells you "get over it and move on". We all mourn loss in our own way and time, wish i could tell you it does go away but it dosent.....not completely but will fade as the years go by.
ReplyDeleteWhat i can tell you is that in all reality your ex did you a favor when leaving. crazy thought right? Seldom does a cheater stop with 1 affair-so next time his mistress(who should be ashamed of herself!) will be the one dealing with this pain. Someday maybe not next week or next yr....but someday Mike will wake up and realize what he lost(they always do!) and then he gets the chance to feel your pain. Hopefully by the time that happens you will have healed and be strong maybe even with a new love, the one that will love and honor you.....THE ONE YOU DESERVED THE FIRST TIME. At that point you will see that God did what was best for you, its a fact that you cant appreciate a truely good man til your heart has been broken by a bad one. I know that gives minimal sense of security right now, so for now focus on those 3 beautiful gifts God and Mike left you with and believe that in time the rest of the pieces will fall into place.
Hope this helps and isnt more depressing right now. If you ever wanna talk i could be a phone call away! Remember you are a strong, beautiful MOM and therefore can do anything :)
I dont agree with the anonymous comment straight above. Your ex didnt do you a favor and the comment about finding a new love... i would ignore. God does miracles through broken marriages and can still fix them. He didn't any one a favor but satan, who is trying his hardest to destroy any and every marriage! Mending the marriage is what would be best, not finding a new love somewhere else. There is always gonna be a ton of people teliing you that you are in a better place, screw him, he no good to anyone, etc, but those are truths far from God and are the prerogatives of satan himself, keeping you away from the marriage God instilled in the first place. Mike is dealing with a demon that has long been here and is more and more prevalent in America. Its real and he would deny it most likely, might even read this and get mad but its true. Demons are real and this is exactly what they are suppose to do. Pray for him, pray for him, and PRAY for him! Is anyone praying for him???????? I doubt hardly any one is. Is every one cursing him???? I bet they are! Stop and pray! Mike's a good man. He knows God and what is right. He is in a spiritual battle and loosing big time! Who is there to help him fight?? Who is there to mend his wounds?? Satan has long done this to man. Whats new?? Lets not give the victory to him and pray for a man who was once great and still is!! Mike can pull out of this, God can help!! God has not given up him and so should no one else. PRAY PRAY ANd PRAY! As for Chris, I known you Christina for a long time. I knew you before Mike new you. I know that God can soften a mans heart. So much damage has been do but do not cater to the devils master plan for your life, but be the steadfast, faithful, trusting woman you have always been. You are going through the unthinkable, the unimaginable, and are hurting immensely, but god DOES heal the broken hearted. I know of a similar circumstance, and through obedience and forgiveness, they are in more love with each other than when they were first married! God WILL restore!! You can bet on it! Your hurt is Satan's glory, - don't let him win.
ReplyDeleteI've been through it. I know the pain. I was married ten years and had three kids with him. I thought he was my one great love. You can read more about the journey if you want at www.angelaruthstrong.blogspot.com.
ReplyDeleteI'm here for you because we have a mutual friend who cares about you. And because I know it will get better. But there's no timeline. And blogging about it could be very healing for you.
Lots of love,
Ang