God's Timing (this could be a long one...so bear with me)

Ok...so Justice is about 21 months old now...and I'm not pregnant yet.  Ha ha...quite the announcement I know!  Well..it happened so fast after Lincoln (they are 17 months apart) that I have been waiting & wanting our next baby anytime now.  Note, I didn't say "patiently waiting." In the last few months years,  I have been on a roller coaster of emotions in this area of my life.

Truth is I have wanted to be a mommy as long as I can remember.  Most who know me at all know this. In fact, both mine & Mike's family were "placing bets" on our wedding day to see how quickly we would have children....I'm guessing no picked 8 years.  In our years of marriage before Lincoln & Justice, I was always wanting a baby of my own.  There were some very trying times for me during those first 8 years of wanting & waiting.  One day, Mike sat down with me & we had a long talk.  This talk included some very tough thoughts of maybe kids of our own was not in God's plan for us, & the fact that we didn't get married just to have kids..but that we love each other & enjoy life with each other.  If you know Mike at all, you know how loving he is to me.  He was so caring & understanding at this time in our marriage. I remember at one point telling him "I don't know how long it will take me to be ok with the thought of never having children."  Yet, we continued life & prayed about it.  When Mike worked for the college as a recruiter, we had talked about if we were ever back in church ministry that we would probably adopt.  A way for us to have children of our own (which we thought wasn't gonna happen) & a way to rescue orphans who need love.  Then when I got pregnant with Lincoln all of those thoughts just faded.  I had everything I ever wanted.  Waiting for God's perfect timing was not easy, but so worth it.  All the thoughts & feelings of your first child plus after waiting & wanting him for 8+ years.  I was so thankful that God's plan was bigger than mine.    So here we were with a baby after all those years of thinking it might not happen.  We couldn't be happier. Then Lincoln was about 9 months old & SURPRISE....I'm pregnant again!! Mind boggling & so amazingly joyous at the same time.  Justice was born & we feel so blessed & loved by God....there's nothing more I wanted.  Until Justice was about 6 months old & I started having baby fever again....HE WAS GROWING WAY TOO FAST & I couldn't make the time slow down.

As the months continue to pass & I think about wanting more children, my desire to be the best mommy ever just grows stronger & stronger! But I want a house full of kiddos.  So I find myself in the same spot as I was so many years ago, longing for a baby so badly that's almost all I think about.  Each month that comes & I'm not pregnant, I find myself a little more disappointed.

November came & our church recognized & celebrated "National Adoption Awareness Month."  We have an amazing church family filled with people who are called to helping the orphans.  Multiple families are foster families, several looking to adopt through the foster care system. We also have families who are adopting internationally, and countless families who financially invest in orphan care.  Anyway, Mike & I have never lost the thought of adopting.  So one Sunday morning during a presentation for adoption awareness, I was crying (imagine that!), Mike leaned to me & said lets figure out what we need to do to get started on the adoption road.  So I am CRAZY excited about this & I spend days online looking up info on agencies & countries etc.  I CAN'T STOP THINKING ABOUT IT!!!  So I have all these plans for a baby girls from Africa.  I want to choose an agency & send in the application yesterday.  I had some discouraging info a couple of times, mixed with some very encouraging & exciting info....My head is just spinning....constantly reading about African countries that are open for adoption...I'm figuring out what country I think is the best, I bought coffee beans because they are from Africa. I'm so wrapped up in this.

I'm so excited, but at the same time I keep feeling like I need to wait.  So naturally I think what if I'm pregnant?!?!?  And the crazy Cristina circle starts again!!!  Finally I just stopped one day & thought, "what am I doing?" I spent YEARS putting myself through this emotional ups & downs of baby fever!! And now I have 2 incredible little boys who I adore & I can't stop thinking about the next baby I'm gonna love.  So FINALLY....I decide hmm...maybe me & Jesus need to have  little talk about this (gee what a concept, right?) Why did I need to talk to him...I mean Why wouldn't he want me to love one, two, or three orphans from Africa?  Sheesh...why am I so stubborn & blind sometimes?

So anyway, I feel like God is asking me why I don't trust Him?  Why do I want to be in control again?  Why can't I just be still & wait? So...that's where I feel I'm at.  Trying to be still & quiet & listen for Him.  I believe that a little girl from Africa(at least one)  is in God's plan for us...but I feel like he is asking me to trust His timing.  So yes, I still am researching & learning more about Africa. I bought (RED) coffee at Starbuck's