So...I haven't written for quite awhile, truth is, I've been avoiding writing about my situation. I guess I kinda thought that if I ignored it, or pretended that it didn't happen, that no one would know. Truth is, many people don't know what has happened in my life over the last year and a half. I don't know that I'm ready to share, but truth is, most of my readers already know. I think I was also trying to protect Mike & Rachelle, I didn't want them to look bad, but why would I want to protect their image? But, I think that writing my story is good therapy for me.
Tonight, I wonder if anyone actually realizes how excruciating this experience has been. I know others have been in similar situations. The betrayal, the lies, the deception, but I don't know anyone who has walked a path parallel to mine. In June 2011, when the truth of Mike's affair came out, I remember a friend asking me if I knew anyone who had been through this and survived, not only survived, but thrived. I couldn't think of anyone...and even now...the people I know who have been through this, chose to make their marriage work. She forgave, he stayed. Unfortunately, Mike chose to leave. He chose to abandon his vows, as if the affair wasn't enough, he chose to quit. He chose to walk away from the commitment we had made 12 years previous. I have tried to wrestle all of this through my brain, the whys, what ifs, if only, etc. Nothing makes sense. It hurts more than anything possibly imagined. I don't want to accept that he is not the man I used to know. I don't know what the time frame should be, I feel like everyone thinks I should just get over it & move on. It is as if the whole world is still moving around me & I am standing still. I don't know how let go and give up.
As I sit here in the dark & see my 3 sweet sleeping boys, I don't know how I feel alone. I try to cling to Scripture and rest in the fact that Christ will never leave me or forsake me, I am never alone. I know I have a hope and a future, I just struggle to remember that. Honestly, 2 days ago I prayerfully admitted the other day that I have a hard time trusting Him now. The man that I believed God gave me, to love me, protect me, honor me, & cherish me forever, failed & broke my trust. I am struggling to trust God, it is hard to not feel like God let me down. I know who I am inside & I know all credit goes to Christ, but I still struggle trusting. I know He didn't do this, that He would never cause me harm, but I guess my struggle with trust is wondering why He didn't protect me from this? Why does He think I am strong enough to handle all of this? Doesn't he know that I'd rather be home with my boys, than to be working everyday & missing out on so much? In a blink, Zeke is now one and I don't even know where the time went. The last year is a blur...and I feel so guilty.
As I read through this writing, I'm not sure it all makes sense, or if I should even post it. But, I am going to, I am going to let myself be vulnerable, & hope somehow it is part of the road to healing.
