Total honesty....

So...I haven't written for quite awhile, truth is, I've been avoiding writing about my situation.  I guess I kinda thought that if I ignored it, or pretended that it didn't happen, that no one would know.  Truth is, many people don't know what has happened in my life over the last year and a half.  I don't know that I'm ready to share, but truth is, most of my readers already know.  I think I was also trying to protect Mike & Rachelle, I didn't want them to look bad, but why would I want to protect their image?  But, I think that writing my story is good therapy for me.

Tonight, I wonder if anyone actually realizes how excruciating this experience has been.  I know others have been in similar situations.  The betrayal, the lies, the deception, but I don't know anyone who has walked a path parallel to mine.  In June 2011, when the truth of Mike's affair came out, I remember a friend asking me if I knew anyone who had been through this and survived, not only survived, but thrived.  I couldn't think of anyone...and even now...the people I know who have been through this, chose to make their marriage work. She forgave, he stayed.  Unfortunately, Mike chose to leave.  He chose to abandon his vows, as if the affair wasn't enough, he chose to quit.  He chose to walk away from the commitment we had made 12 years previous.  I have tried to wrestle all of this through my brain, the whys, what ifs, if only, etc.  Nothing makes sense. It hurts more than anything possibly imagined.  I don't want to accept that he is not the man I used to know.  I don't know what the time frame should be, I feel like everyone thinks I should just get over it & move on.  It is as if the whole world is still moving around me & I am standing still. I don't know how let go and give up.

As I sit here in the dark & see my 3 sweet sleeping boys, I don't know how I feel alone.  I try to cling to Scripture and rest in the fact that Christ will never leave me or forsake me, I am never alone.  I know I have a hope and a future, I just struggle to remember that.  Honestly, 2 days ago I prayerfully admitted the other day that I have a hard time trusting Him now.  The man that I believed God gave me, to love me, protect me, honor me, & cherish me forever, failed & broke my trust.  I am struggling to trust God, it is hard to not feel like God let me down.  I know who I am inside & I know all credit goes to Christ, but I still struggle trusting.  I know He didn't do this, that He would never cause me harm, but I guess my struggle with trust is wondering why He didn't protect me from this? Why does He think I am strong enough to handle all of this? Doesn't he know that I'd rather be home with my boys, than to be working everyday & missing out on so much? In a blink, Zeke is now one and I don't even know where the time went.  The last year is a blur...and I feel so guilty.

As I read through this writing, I'm not sure it all makes sense, or if I should even post it.  But, I am going to, I am going to let myself be vulnerable, & hope somehow it is part of the road to healing.

Mentoring...

I have had a passion for investing in teen girls lives for about 15 years.  Unfortunately, most girls don't ask for/think they need a mentor until they have a sin induced life crisis.  Most girls don't come running for help until they have made life altering sin choices that have their life in shambles. The weird thing for me is that I don't always connect with them because I was too afraid of getting in trouble when I was a teenager, so I don't have much "experience" with teenage struggles.  I will never give up on these girls, I will always invest in them & offer any advice and guidance that I can.

When I was in high school, I always remember having "testimony envy."  I would hear speakers at various events and always think that since I had never made any "huge" mistakes, that Christ's redeeming story in my life wasn't as good.  Now, as an adult, who made it through those years virtually unscathed, I have a different perspective.  I feel like more stories of people who don't have what would be considered "huge" sin issues in their life.

1)Sin is sin....our world tries to put it on a scale.  Certain things worse than others etc...truth is "all have sinned & fall short of the glory of God" Romans 3:23.  But certain sins/mistakes rank higher on the "scale" because they are more visible and have greater consequences.  Therefore, it's better to avoid as many of those as possible.

2) I want girls to know that it is possible to make it through high school & college & life in general without making those "life altering sin choices"  I think too many girls get caught in a trap of thinking that they have lots of years to make mistakes & so many of the influential women in their lives have made "HUGE" mistakes(sin choices) and they have turned out ok.

Anyway, my brain & heart are stirring & dreaming of a ministry geared to empower girls to be confident & make wise choices.  Join me in prayer & thinking about how to mentor and reach these girls who have yet to make those "life alter sin choices" and to help them avoid the years of guilt that follow from moments of pleasure in high school or college.

Ok...I'm starting to feel ready to blog again....beware...my brain is working over time lately...lots of thoughts in here!  When I get them gathered into something readable & sensible I will be sharing...hope you are all ready! :)

Ezekiel Grey Sander

I know this is a couple months late...but, I'm a little busy!  3 boys (and MIKE) so, I hope you all understand!  But here it is the official birth announcement for our sweet Zeke.  I just ordered some printed ones also...for everyone who doesn't do the whole computer thing. But I will probably have extras, if anyone wants one!

While I am on here...I will add some of the best from the last 2 months as well!  

For the record...Mike thinks its terrible that I took pictures while Zeke was crying!  Oh well, I think he's the most adorable crying baby ever...LOL!

More domestic stuff.....

Some might call it 'nesting,' but I really just don't want all this yummy produce to go to waste!  I got some tomatoes from the garden when I went to Kansas last weekend.  I wanted to make salsa, & also canned crushed tomatoes.  Since Mike is allergic to onions, I use alot of crushed tomatoes for spaghetti sauce, chili, etc...any tomato based stuff...most of all store bought stuff has onions.  Anyway, I came  across a post saying that you could puree your fresh tomatoes (skins & all) and freeze them in freezer bags to use whenever!  I thought that sounded so much easier than trying to stand over the hot stove canning all these tomatoes.  So I tried it!  I did have enough peppers to make Mike 1 3/4 qts of salsa!

This little gadget came with my blender & attaches to it.  It has a bigger blade...I guess its kinda like a food processor!  It works great, I have used it more in the last 2 weeks than the whole time I've had it.  *Side note* My mom & mom -in- law both have their blenders that they got when they got married (37 & 36 yrs.) And I already have had to replace my blender once in 12 years (probably about 4 years ago).

So I ran the tomatoes through here & then transferred them to a bowl

Then I used this ladle to put the tomatoes into the baggies.  The ladle measured just about 1/2 a cup

I filled each bag with about 3 cups.

I ended up with 8 quart size bags of crushed tomatoes..can't wait to use them!  But...I should probably use the canned grocery store stuff that is in my pantry.  That way, when it's super cold & wintery, I can use my "fresh/frozen" tomatoes and they will taste so much better!

Mmmmm...Peach Rhubarb Jam

So, I bought 2 boxes of Colorado peaches recently!  YUMMY!!  I could easily just eat them fresh, but part of the fun is extending their goodness through the cold of fall & winter!  I have been looking for things to use them in.  I will be freezing some & also dehydrating some for snacking!  But I thought..hmm...jam sounds yummy!  Then I remembered I still had some rhubarb in the freezer from earlier this summer!  I wondered what the combo would taste like. So I asked my friend google...and it seems like many people pair the two off season fruits together.  So I decided to try it!

I used this basic Peach Jam recipe from Martha
http://www.marthastewart.com/345551/peach-jam?czone=food/produce-guide-cnt/summer-produce-recipes&backto=true&backtourl=/photogallery/peach-recipes#slide_3

Then I modified it just slightly to add the rhubarb.  I adjusted the amount of peaches to include the rhubarb.  I didn't take into consideration that the rhubarb was frozen & therefor a little more watery as I used it, so the jam did not thicken as quickly.  But all in all, it was fun & it tasted yummy on my toast today!  I made 3 jars & also have a little dish in the fridge!

Chopped peaches added to food processor!

Blend them up!...So pretty!

Cooking everything together! YUM!

Pretty easy & very tasty!  Have fun!

Date to the 'Mountain'

Since we moved here, Lincoln has been obsessed with the 'MOUNTAIN' (Scotts Bluff National Monument).  He has been wanting to go there so badly. One evening, the boys & I drove out past there & then he got really excited, because he could see the tunnels.  The next night as we were leaving church, he told Mike that he wanted to go on a date to the mountain!  A picnic date!!  So, Mike told him that on Wednesday, we would go!  He was so excited!  Tuesday night, I asked him what kind of food we should take on our picnic date to the mountain.  We decided on: meat, cheese, & crackers, strawberries, cookies with chocolate candy in them, and root beer!  So much FUN!

On Wednesday, I told Lincoln that it was time to get our clothes & shoes on so we could go to the mountain & his response was, "Is it WEDNESDAY?!?!" So, off we went... all four FIVE of us!

We had a blast!  The boys loved climbing & hiking on the rocks!  Mommy did pretty good too...no worries, I didn't try to do any climbing, but we did have a nice walk!  The season pass cost us $15 and it is good for a whole calendar year!  We have a card & as long as Mike or I are in the vehicle, we can use it!  I originally thought that I would be able to take the boys sometimes when Mike was at work...HA!!!  There is no way I will be able to do that for a LONG time!  They are so busy up there.  Mike had to stay very close to them the whole time.  Absolutely not a great idea while I'm pregnant for sure, then when I have the baby....um...still not a good idea!  Oh well, we can still go very often!

Well, here are some pics from our day!  Enjoy...OH & come visit & you can join us on a picnic date to the mountain!

My guys!!

Justice!  

So strong!!!

My climbers!!!

Lunch time!!!

View on the way down!

The tunnel(s) there are 3 of them to drive through...THE BOYS LOVE THEM!!!

All of us...the best I could get! love these guys!!